Throughout our lives we build up relationships with people and sometimes we lose them. Family is a term that most people only refer to as their blood, but that is not always the case. I consider the friends I have in my life to be more “Family” than the real thing. As with a friendship “Family” a familial relationship should be one of caring, understanding, support and love. Not neglect, contempt, rejection and hate. For most people who are Transgender it is usually the latter.
Sadly, we find ourselves having to go through life alone. Without the love and support of the people who should be there for us the relationship ends once you are put out on the streets. I can not say that every family is a perfect one, my family and many others are proof of that.
I can say that I have seen some very close knit and loving families out there and that I would be lying if I said I did not wish that for myself and for those out there who have been ostracized from their own families just for being “different”.
Being Transgender is not an easy path to walk. It is even harder when our own families will have nothing to do with us just for not fitting in to what they want or expect from us. It is something we must figure out and fight for individually just to make sense of who we are ourselves. Not for anyone else to figure out for us. I have heard so many people in the same situation say that they were cast out, like I was, just because their families did not accept or understand them. I may be crazy to think this, but a relationship with a real family should put no pressure on their own relatives to be anything other than themselves.
They should show their support even if they may not understand. To be rejected by the very people who are supposed to raise you is one of the hardest things to deal with. Especially when you have a hard time trying to figure things out for yourself in the first place. I have found that throughout my life the closest people to me were in fact people I have met along the way and I have grown close with. Friendships that grew to be a family of sorts, as they did not judge or condemn me for being myself. They took me as I came. Relationships between people can come and go in a heartbeat, but the truest of relationships stick through it with you with all the good and all the bad. I have lost quite a few people I once considered friends to one thing or another and honestly the family that pushed me away was lost way before I even came into the picture.
It hurts when you find out that people you care for have no where near the same feelings for you as you do for them. Throughout my life and especially so these past few weeks I have learned some very valuable lessons. I can’t rely on many people. I find it very hard to believe when someone tells me they will be there for me since once I do then suddenly they are gone without even a good bye or even an explanation. They continuously let me down. Family who have said they will be there for me, although it took quite a long time for it to get to that, have almost all but turned me away once again.
I believe in second chances though. I have allowed certain people to come back into my life, regardless of how horrible they were to me before, and without fail they turn on me in such a short period of time that I can’t say that I didn’t expect it and yet I am still in a state of shock! I feel I brought it upon myself just for allowing them to be in my life again. I should know better, but that is a problem of mine… holding onto something I think should be when in reality it is quite the opposite. I hardly ever ask for help from people ,unless I am in a very desperate position, as I have learned growing up that I wouldn’t get what I asked for anyway and I was given very little from the start. When it comes to being offered the help I might need, I turn it down respectively until I reluctantly agree as I have always known that most people do not keep their word. It would seem that when I do allow for receiving help then out of the blue I get hit with a harsh reality of either that help being taken away, of me getting nothing anyway or given a hard time about it, with a few possible exceptions of course. You know who you are! 😉
All in all, the relationships we have with people can be quite tricky. There are good ones, great ones, bad ones and terrible ones. It is up to us to decide for ourselves who we hold closest to our hearts and to allow for those people to show it in return. We have struggles in our lives that seem unbearable if it were not for the ones we love who are there for us. For those of us who have to go it alone, the feeling is quite disheartening and the sense of no one ever caring presses on the back of our minds. There is no other choice but to deal with things as best as we can, however, it is extremely hard when you look at your life and can count on one hand how many people are truly there for you, love you and support you in your life. Family is a word that means so little to so many, yet somehow those people who stress the importance of it the most are the ones who show it the least. I am a loner. I have very few people in my life I consider to be my “Family”.
I am quite used to being outside of things and I am okay with that. I don’t like it, but I am okay with it. I don’t expect people to wake up and change who they are, unless they truly feel they should, just as I should not have to do the same. I find it really disconcerting to see when the people who were not part of my life for so long by their own doing use one way of being there for me knowing I need them then suddenly change their tune and even though they do not say the words, their actions tell me quite openly that they don’t want to be there for me. I have lived a crazy life full of heartbreak, disappointment and betrayal, as well as some love and respect, yet I still somehow manage to get up every day and do my best to make things better for myself.
I always hope for the best and to do what I can to prepare for the worst. A hard feat in itself being that I am disabled and quite limited to what I am capable of doing to better my situation. I fortunately have some help from certain people, even if I didn’t ask for it and with the turn of the coin unfortunately I find it will not last longer than I truly do need it to. A situation I find harder now than not having that person in my life in the first place as I am quite accustomed to not being a part of the family. Doing things alone most of the time can really wear you down emotionally, but it helps when you have the meaningful relationships you need to get you through the hard times. For those of us out there who have experienced the rejection and isolation from our families know this all too well.
We hold onto real friendships as best as we can and find a way to allow people into our lives that will not judge us or push us away because we are not just like them. Not always an easy task to filter the good from the bad of course, but at least we have a deeper understanding of what to expect from most people. It saddens me to see that I have more friends than family who are there for me without expectations or judgement even tho I feel I have very few real and true friends. It is hard to believe in people when they give you nothing to believe in them!
My life has taught me that there will always be ups and downs. Being Bi-Polar is proof of that in itself, but with all the bad that happens to me personally it is very difficult to not be depressed. I wake up with the intention of finding the good in people and in things and I try keeping a positive outlook on life and way of thinking, but as all the bad things that happen pile up the depression hits me harder and harder. Even when the good things happen, I get hit with depression as I know that all good things come to an end. I’m not saying that I don’t count my blessings and cherish the good people in my life or the good things to have happened to me. It is all just so frustrating to deal with, but in reality I do my best to get through it.
I keep my mind on the good people and things in my life. From my loving husband who supports me in everything to my happy little dog who has nothing but love for me to the real friends in my life that I actually speak with on a day to day basis. I am truly grateful and blessed to have them in my life. These are the relationships I hold closest to my heart. I also look forward to being able to allow for future relationships with new people. I will always have the ability to give people a chance to be a part of my life just as long as they are willing to put in as much as I do. To all of you out there reading this I wish that you have the life and relationships that you deserve. I send to you all Love and Light.